How to Connect Deeply With Your Kids

Improve your intentional parenting by applying Oliver Burkeman's productivity philosophy to your daily schedule as a father. Build deep connections with your kids by prioritizing what truly matters.

Many ambitious fathers struggle to balance professional goals with family life, often resulting in fake quality time that leaves everyone feeling disconnected. Whether you are raising a teenager or a toddler, active fatherhood requires a shift in how you view your limited time.

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Key Themes:
Oliver Burkeman's Time Principle for Dads
The Realities of Modern Fatherhood
How to Stop Procrastinating on Quality Time
Fake Quality Time vs. Real Family Connection
Choosing What Matters as an Active Father
Building Emotional Trust With Your Teenager
Micro-Moments of True Fatherhood Connection

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Transcript

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There's this popular belief, philosophy, you would say, in the productivity world that basically says, look, our time on this earth is very finite. And so, with that being said, we should stop trying to get everything done on our to-do list and just focus on the things that really matter to us, the things that would move the needle, the things that most fulfill us. And it's made popular by a writer, his name is Oliver Berkman. And I started thinking about that not only just in terms of productivity, but in terms of my own fatherhood journey. And the way that I correlate that is I'm like, listen, if you especially someone like me, if you have multiple children, and even if you just have one child, this is essential as a father and as a parent to know that you only have but so much time on this earth, right? In this lifetime, you can only do once. I'm sure you can probably rebirth and come back again. But this lifetime right here, where your name is dad, data, daddy to this specific child, these specific children, it's only going to happen one time. And the reality of it is, in the grand scheme of things, we are only here for a short amount of time, it's finite, right? It's going to come and go. That that's the one thing that we can all guarantee, right? Besides taxes. And with that being said, we should really treat it that way when it comes to spending time with our children, when it comes to being present with our children, because at the end of the day, we don't know when it will be our last day. And I've been really replaying that, especially as a co-parent, because I feel like my time is already limited, and it's actually probably even easier to overlook this fact for those of you who are in a traditional family setting, because you may think you may take that time for granted, I'll say, right? You may be like, Well, I see my kids every day, we'll just do it tomorrow. We'll just do it tomorrow. Uh, we'll we'll spend that time next week, and you keep putting it off, and you keep putting it off. I'm guilty of that, and I'm in a co-parenting situation, so I I could imagine people who you know have that pleasure uh of seeing their children every single day, how easy it is to just keep putting it off. Uh, so today my son is nagging me about going to see the new Spider-Man movie, and I'll be honest with you, I was thinking to myself, like, uh, you know, like this sometimes you just want to chill out for yourself, which by the way, I always talk about is perfectly fine to fill your own cup as a father. Um, but the more and more I thought about you know him being excited, him wanting to watch a movie with me, sometimes I feel like I have to beg this boy to watch a movie with me because he's 14 now and you know he wants to do his own thing. And so, yeah, granted, it's a movie that's gonna cost me between the both of us, you know, 60 something dollars, right? Just to gain entry. It's not like a movie I can just put on Hulu, but the point is that's an experience that he wants to have with me. He could watch Spider-Man with anyone, he can watch Spider-Man with his mom, he can watch it with his cousins, his friends, but you know, he's choosing to say, Hey dad, on Friday after work, let's watch Spider-Man together. And so that's what we're gonna do, right? I'm gonna take him to watch Spider-Man. But if I kept this mindset of I'll do tomorrow, I'll do tomorrow, who knows when that moment will come, and that's a crucial opportunity of bonding that I've let go by the wayside. And so just thinking about what's important to us as men, as fathers, when it comes to our children, right? There are so many things that we can do with our kids that kind of it's like a fluff way of spending time because you're not really bonding, you're doing something that both of you are allowed to kind of gaze off into yonder. You know, uh, you and your children are both allowed to be consumed by technology, and you just on your phone the whole time, you're talking to other people the entire time. We we know that there are these, you know, like bonding stuffers, like you know, like I have a lot of books, right? You can see the background, there's a lot of books here, and I have books all over the place. And there are just some books that you they're just there for there, it's like fluff. I've attempted to read them, but I probably didn't get past chapter one. It just wasn't really all that fulfilling for me, right? But I keep them in the bookshelf, I keep them on the bookshelf. I I think I I would like to think I coined it this term called the books are shelf stuffers. There are certain books that are shelf stuffers. So if we relate it to spending time with our children, there are things that we do with our kids, certain things that we know are just bonding stuffers, if you want to call it that way. The things that you know you can get away with saying I'm being present because you're in the same room, right? Maybe you're out at the same location, but it's just fluff because you're not really taking that time to bond together. And yeah, one can say if you're going to the movie theater, um, the movie is consuming the time, but we know it like if you are actively in a theater and that that's the whole experience, right? Maybe we'll get some popcorn, uh, we'll get some candy, you know, and we'll watch the new uh previews that are coming out, and we'll laugh, we'll have shared laughter at something in the movie, shared frightening at something that's happening in the movie, right? Shared excitement that's a bonding experience. And so the point of this video is to just get us to start thinking about what are those things that we can do with our kids that's really fulfilling that will make sense of the fact that one day we are not going to be here, right? And so when you wake up in the morning and you look in the mirror and you go, Okay, what do I have planned today? Right. And if you look down at the things you have planned today, if there are things on that list that you're like, uh, I could actually do without that, maybe it's time to start thinking about how we can replace those things, even if you don't have time to replace them, just take them away, don't do them and sit in silence or something, right? But just we need to start doing the things that really matter. Um, with getting our lives together, but the same thing with bonding with our children, like what is it that matters? What is it that they really want to do? What is it that moves the needle into myself and my children bonding and and taking our relationship to the next level? I'll tell you a very funny story. I don't know if it really relates to this video, but um, it's a story about how I sense that my son and I have like kind of taken another step uh in our relationship, our closeness, you would say. And so I've told this fact a couple times on the podcast on this YouTube channel that my daughter just recently moved to Atlanta a couple months ago, and so we were all sad, we're all devastated, nobody wanted this to happen. Uh, and so she just came back for about a month and a half, and she spent some time with us here. So I was a full-time parent for a month and a half, that was great. But schools in Atlanta start much earlier than schools here in New Jersey, so I had to send her back to Atlanta a few days ago. And I told my son I was crying the entire drive back from the airport, and that night I cried myself to sleep. And my son texts me and he goes, Well, I text him first, and I go, Yo, how are you doing? Like, how are you feeling? Because I know the last time she left to Atlanta, the first time he was devastated. We cried in the car together, and so I said to him, 'How are you feeling with Kenley leaving? How are you doing?' and he goes, I've just accepted it, you know, like I'm doing okay. And I said, Really? I said, I cried the entire drive from the airport and I cried myself to sleep that night. And he says, Damn, you're taking it harder than me. So I thought to myself, wow, like this is a very short text message, but it it signified a shift in our relationship because he's 14 and he knows I don't do cursing. I mean, I'm a hypocrite because I curse, but he knows that he's not supposed to curse in front of his parents. I know he's gonna do what he's gonna do around his friends, but I tell him, like, when you're talking to me, don't use any curse words. And so he said, Damn, you're taking it harder than me. And when he said that to me, you know, I thought to myself, like, wow, I really am. And I thought to myself, like, the fact that in that very moment, he knew that he could get away with saying that. That's the beautiful part about this text message, right? In any other situation, he knows that that would be unacceptable. But, you know, because of the extent, because of the context here, you know, the dynamics here, the emotional weight of this all, he knew that he could say, Damn, you're taking this much harder than me. And I felt that because the reality is I am, and I not one part of me was like, Who are you talking to? I felt that we like connected in that moment. Now, this is why this is important when we're talking about how our time here is limited, is finite, and why it's important to bond with our kids. I assure you, if my son and I weren't intentional about spending time together, if I wasn't intentional about spending time with him, we won't have this level of closeness that he would even feel comfortable enough to send me a text message like that. See what I'm saying? And it's like the that's a micro moment. I call these micro moments. That's a micro moment in fatherhood, right? And initially, when I tell this story, one can easily just say this, you know, like this overlook this story. But if we dig a lot deeper, think about when you were a kid and think about your own relationship with your father. There are probably so many things you wanted to say to your dad, but you were either a afraid because you didn't know how he would respond, you were scared of the response, or you just didn't feel comfortable enough to do so. You just didn't feel you maybe you felt like you'd be rejected if you were your true authentic self in a specific moment. And realizing that our time here is limited, and making use of that and doing all the things you can do to bond with your child opens up moments like that for them to then feel very comfortable in being in their full authentic selves with you. Yeah, I think I'ma I'm gonna end it on that note because uh that was a very personal story that just happened to me, and uh, I feel like one could really relate to that. I like to end things with you know something that you can really stick stick with and hold on to and relate to. And uh yeah, if if that made a lot of sense to you, and if you feel like you know some dads out there that would benefit from from this type of talk and these type of topics, feel free to subscribe to the YouTube channel and feel feel free to send them this episode and uh check out the 365 dad journal, my mindful fatherhood journal that I created for dads. Link in the description. And uh, yeah, man, I'm just glad to be here talking to you all, and I'll see you next week.